Looking back at you

I sat in the light of a lamp and kept staring at my own shadow on the wall. I don’t understand how certain things crawl out from ashes. I saw him commencing from the corner of my eye. My heart made an unaccustomed thud of pain, disappointment and dissent. His presence was always conveyed through a similar means though contradictory. He sat opposite me in leisure. My gaze didn’t shift anywhere but the wall, until he spoke

“So how come Paris?”

These words hit my heart like stones and rocks. Like a dagger being stabbed again, in the same place, cutting through the flesh of my heart but i managed to be composed.

“It just happened”

There was a pause. He expected me to say more. He thought it was an incomplete statement, he didn’t know this was how i explained things now. I didn’t have any strength to open my heart to anyone. Besides my heart devoured in its ignominious silence. 

He continued

“How has everything been? Tell me about it?”

I looked into his eyes and returned  back to the shadowed wall. After all this time he thinks i can still talk? I wished to ask what he wanted to know or how i managed to survive or whether i had planned this???

I fell vulnerable to his inquisitive gaze. I knew this feeling, it had been there before betwix us but that was love, this was heartache. So i thought about my professional garb and made out

“Medicine has a vast field, its consuming”

The lady with no peace

This is about my new roommate and her stupid ways of inflicting misery to her own self.

It started with lizards. Well this is one of the hotest areas in South Asia. Actually its a desert. So naturally the climate here favours the survival of these reptiles. Well we have them like cats and dogs. Speaking of which, we have many cats too. By we i mean the medical hostel.

However the population of lizards outnumbers the cats if not the humans. Once i counted. Thirteen lizards around the corridor light rod. And there hav been incidents where lizards fell over students here; even on th face. Gross right? So while we came back after vacations this summer, it had been breeding season for lizards here. So many little ones. Creepy little things running all over the place; floor, celings,  and walls. everywhere. Just everywhere. And our lady here seemed to be pretty scared of this specie.

Oneday she saw a little lizard crawling towards her bed. She did her hush hush thing and it got under her bed. And then the hopeless lady kept waking up at 4 every morning, switching on all lights and babbling that a lizard is on the back of her bed crown. This continued for 2 days. She just venomed my peace. I couldnt really get a nice sleep. How mean some people can be. For the next 2 days she kept switching on the lights suddenly during the night and that scared me sometimes. I mean you would be sleeping and “dong” lights are on. Sometimes i wanted to slap her. This thing still goes on.

Today I guess while we were at the college, lights must have been out. So water was leaking out of the fridge. Although lights did resume later but she was determined something had happened to tye fridge. So “miss knowall” called a few people again. Made a fuss of nothing again. 

I am so done with this creature and sometimes i want to bang her head against the wall. And i always keep wishing her to die. I curse her most of the day.

We saw the moon disappear

So it was what is called partial lunar eclipse. It happens when earth comes in between sun and moon, all in a straight line. The full moon with the onset of eclipse begins to bear a shadow. That shadow is earth. And the shadow covers almost quater of the full and then slowly its back to normal. Full moon.

I have read this when i was in grade 5, then again in grade 6, then again in grade 8. But i never bothered to see this phenomenon taking place. Last night my someone who is miles apart from me mentioned about this eclipse and we decided to watch it together. We were on the call, i was pacing around the big ground of my hostel. He stood by his window. And we saw this happen. Together. It made me so happy. And i know he felt the same.

7 August 2017. Lunar eclipse. I will always remember this day. I saw something possessing moon and moon fought back and the darkness had to go. And i saw this with the person who means everything to me. It felt like the distance stretching between us sometimes means nothing because he is there. He truly is. And he makes me feel the luckiest girl on earth. 

Homesick

When i was little i had very less affection for home and my family. I was more into school and friends. I was social, confident, people liked me. My teachers were so proud of me. I never thought school would end and i will have a college. I thought my soul was imbibed in its red bricks. My school was my identity. I didnt like spending time at home. I always fancied the idea of hostels and moving out to study. Having a new surrounding. I was too naive to know it was more fatal than fairytale.

Being in another country tears you all the time into pieces which you cant gather. Every time i come back to hostel, its a heart wrenching journey i make. I miss my home. I miss the warmth of my mother. I miss her kisses, her hugs, her random surprises. I miss the way she would ask me all the time what i wanted to eat because here neither do i have many options and nor do i find the available ones appetising. Its bad! They made me take someone as a roommate whom i dont like at all. And the friends i got here? They never stood up for me. Infact all these three years they had no gesture of care for me. I lately realised all the friends, the real ones, are back home. And i miss them too. I miss how true and loyal they were to me. Always cheering in silent tones “we are here for you”

Sometimes i am left wondering why i ever wanted to leave home for home is the only place that heals. Maybe becoming a doctor is very prestigious but this journey has been hell for me. All the honour that will ever come has already given me scars that wont heal. I cant trust people now. I mean it. When someone is nice to me i start thinking what is it that they want from me?

I dont know how many can relate to me and how many find it irrational but i am suffering here all the time!

She

one evening i was sitting in the bed. the evenings had caught some chill. my daughter too got into the bed and sat on my legs. she put her cold hands on my cheeks. it felt like soft, small ice cubes against my cheeks. i shivered and she gave a squeal of victory. she was four but had her ways to drive merry around. i held her hands in mine to warm them. i was blowing warm air into her little fragile fingers when she spoke:
“tell me a story”

“i dont know stories sweetheart. mum knows all” 

that was always a perfect excuse to get away.

“you always say that. did no one tell you stories when you were small?”

“i am too big to remember my small. maybe they did. i forgot them”

 

she knew i was not telling her stories. so she pulled her hands from mine and put them on my cheeks again. this time they were warm. i smiled at her. she laughed. then she began pulling my cheeks and upon my resentment, she only moved them in small circles over my cheeks. 
“daddy, what is the colour of your eyes?” 

” emerald green” i heard myself say that instantaneously. 

“who told you?”
i paused. 
“emerald green” there was a long pause on the other side of the line. i knew this made her nervous and equally speechless. like being swamped by reticent emotions. she couldn’t say anymore. it was only a silent explanation. 
“when did you notice?” 
“i didn’t stare at you. sometimes when i would look at you, i would find your eyes already over there” 
i knew she couldn’t just look at me. i didn’t know why. she would say it makes her nervous. however i never had noticed my eyes so much to figure out the colour. it never occurred to me. i only came to know the colour when she mentioned it. 
“no i think maybe you have been staring at me” i was only trying to make her anxious. i loved doing that to her.
“i wish i did. but i cannot”

“why not?”

“i cannot look into your eyes”

“and that is because?”

“because i fear maybe i wont be able to look away then. it feels like something grabs hold of my heart. i don’t feel my own self”  
she again paused. and i smiled. 

                      ***

my daughter was waiting for my answer.

“ofcourse my dad did” i felt the coldness of my own lie touching my lips. 

her mother came in and thank God she did for i was not present to answer any of her more questions. she asked her why she didn’t have the colour of my eyes. because she had taken after her mother who had black eyes. i pretended to sleep and somewhere past midnight i really did fell asleep.

                        *end*

Dear diary

This is becoming more of a diary for me, wordpress is all the white i need for my black. 

Just an hour ago i had an emotional ourburst and i cried for  a while in conversation with my beloved someone on call. He is an amazing person and we have a story that makes everyone dreamy but its not the day for that tale.

A week of two ago he told me i was getting irritable and it seemed like i have changed. Like i have mentioned earlier i study in a different country and we get to meet every six months when i get my vacations. But we are always good. No arguments. No issues. Just happy with each other. But when i heard him say this i wondered if i really had changed at all?

Medical school sure is a hell no one tells you about until you get there to experience it on your own. You lose many friends, hobbies, family gatherings, weddings, fun ventures, and yes movies too. But i always keep a balance between my school and the person most important to me. So when we hung up i kept thinking what is it? I thought maybe its the temperatures here that boils my blood all the time. Or maybe my examination loop. Or maybe the bad food they provide you. I was not sure.

Today he told me he has to attend a wedding tomorrow and then its his cousin’s wedding next week. He said he was afraid that i would be in a bad mood because he wont be able to talk to me all this time. While he was saying all this i paused near a mango tree and felt like maybe i nag him all the time. I felt bad about it and bad for him.  Butthe very next moment i realised whole day i pile up things, bittle them one by one only to narrate it to him later in tye evening. In true sense he is the only person i talk to and share my feelings without tampering them. And when i cant talk to him i feel i dont have anyone. Like he is responsible for my state because i look upto him only.  Whole day i have so much trouble around starting with my roommate and hes the only person i can go to. And if i do sound irritable its only because i have so much mess around and i feel so insufficient to deal with it all on my own. 

When i said i all to him i broke into tears and he felt sorry for me. He was sorry for even attending the wedding and not being able to talk. And it bothered him what he had said earlier. Hes a good person. And i think why i am surviving this hell is only because he is there for me all the time.

The idea of isolation…

So heres the aftermath of what exactly happened when i was denied the room i was supposed to get on the basis of my medical condition. Not only did i get a roommate who was selfish and messy. She always tried to burden me with responsibilities that she could otherwise manage on her own, i mean regarding the room. Because i was so depressed and my parents had booked tickets a week before my spring vacations, partly because i wanted to go home but mostly because they were scared of the word “depression” and they wanted to talk me out of all the troubles and insecurities i felt. I had to shift my stuff into this new room and leave but my roommate being the person she is insisted that i should fix everything in the room and she will also shift. She could have easily done it whenever she wanted but she made it a point to make me do tye most of stuff that room required. She shared no sympathy or empathy. Not only that she is a loud person. When she talked it felt like she had an audience to address not one person. And it would bother me. I dont like being spoken to like that. 

 According to the psychiatrist at my school i had “narrow spectrum of people” in my life and i had adjustment problems. He said i should talk to my  previous roommate. How could i talk to someone who made me feel insignificant? And what was i supposed to say? Lets talk???  That girl had our room to herself for a year or so. She made food she liked. She skyped home. She was in perfect peace. What would she talk about? She was least bothered about anything. And it hurt me because i had really considered her a good friend. Bff or whatever. And it all backfired.  I didnt see the big picture then, i had never imagined having this experience would change a lot of things in me.

Having a relation built on trust and affection and all these emotions being wrecked, i stopped putting efforts in relations around. Infact i constricted my friend circle, however little it was. I put the virtue of forgiving in a paper bag and flushed it. I had no forgiveness for anyone. I had grown inflexible. I stopped seeing the good in people. And it might be strange but it was all because of one girl. These signs were all manifestation of my depression. The idea of isolation had consumed me. Also what my uncle asked me about was whether i had many people around me, as in support. And i struggled to say a clear NO.

When i started having issues with my roommate and i sought help from my one or two friends there, you know what they did? They played safe. When i wanted to hear “your are right”, “i am here with you”, ” you need to relax” , “lets take a stroll” all they had to say was”you are overthinking”, “just forget it”, “you both are our friends, we cant take sides”. This made me feel even worse because my roommate had vey superficial relations with these people. While i really thought they were friends with me. I would selflessly do things for them and this is how they repaid me. This added to my inflexibility for relations and trust.  I saw no friend, no acquaintance in my new roommate because I didnt want to. I had had my piece of cake and it was all bitter throughout.

When i went back home, my parents and friends helpled me and seeing the improvement my uncle said i could do without medications. I came back with another plan for my own good. To focus on my grades and be insensitive as much as i can. This is the only way i can survive in my school rather than looking for people who would care.

Currently i am trying to be positive and overlook the vices in people. Sometimes i do get depressed but i try watching a movie or going out for food. It does help. I dont have plans of extending my friend circle. Also i dont expect anything from the current ones at my school. Its all a formality. I value my family and friends back home more than anything. And i am waiting for my medical school to finish and go back to the people who help my being.

Home is the only therapy that heals what cannot heal!

The idea of isolation

Being a medical school student I always found it hard to maintain a balance between my school and people in my life. I have been a warm and welcoming personality whole my life. My friends and family is what i keep close to my heart and I invest time and emotions in all these relations. My school is away from my home, to be precise i study in another country so i am a hosteler. Beginnings are hard for me. It took me a while to settle and make friends. I found one in my roommate. We grew close and it quite helpled me embrace the difficulties my school would come up with and battle them for my own good. After a year or so we started having issues and something called “miscommunication”. I didnt try to solve it neither did she. I just wanted to change my room or the roommate.  But it was mid term and where i study these things cant be solved midst the year. It has to be done when classes begin for a session. So i had to drag myself for the rest half of the year with all the feelings burried inside me. I began to appreciate the idea of isolation and wanted to stay alone. I would jot the pros and cons in my mind and i must admit i had more of pros. For this part of the year i mostly would study alone, eat alone and spend most of my time outside the room. I didnt like my roommate. I thought i was the one in control because my grades improved. But it was the contrary. These were the symptoms of a disease no one wants in their life.

The following months hit my family with a tragedy of recurrent heart attacks my father suffered. Just after my annual exams my father was admitted for bypass surgery. I didnt really go home, all the holidays our family was in another city for his treatment. I came to school straight from that city and the room allotments was 3 months away. So i was again stuck with the same person but the idea of isolation still filled my mind. So i would again spend most of my time in library or somewhere else just not in my room. After a few weeks i noticed i was getting irritable. I didnt have people to talk to because hostel is a place where people are busy in their own life. No one will come over to comfort you or even the friendships , they come with a price tag. Or i should say they come with favour banks. So no one bothered to check on me. Even my studies seemed to bother me so I texted my uncle who is a psychiatrist. After listening to everything i had to say he said i was suffering from depression and much of it had to do with my roommate. He suggested i should get my room changed or the roommate changed. He even sent me a letter addressed to the principal of my school to help me with the room issue. And this was the time i realised people really dont care what someone suffers unless it concerns their own family.

When i showed the letter to my principal with all the tests that had been run to prove my health had been deteriorating and there was no pathology related but it was depression, he didnt even read it. He asked me to tell him verbally. He chuckled and signed the application attached to my documents and told me to show this to the warden on the allotment day. Which now i understand was just to shoo me away. He even told me that he would not reveal what his sign meant which now i know meant “deal it however you feel”.  On the allotment day the warden too didnt bother to look into my documents. I told her i have health issues and i remember what she said “your parents better buy you a house here”. When i heard this i couldnt decipher what she meant. A classmate of mine who was with me all throughout the allotment explained it was a sarcastic comment.  I dont like when someone gets my parents into any argument so it hit me hard. Whole day i ate nothing, said nothing just sobbed quietly.

Next day the warden gave me a deadline : get some girl preferably from your country or else i wont allot you any room, you will be the last one to be alloted a room and i will put you anywhere i like. By tomorrow and thats it.

I had tried to convince them i cannot take room with any random person. I would do better if they allot me a single room. My depression was only induced by my roommate issues. They didnt listen. So i had to choose one girl from my class whom i didnt know at all because all the rest people i knew had already paired up. She alloted me a room with this girl. And i was so depressed that i wanted to run home. I wanted to quit. My parents told me to come for a week or two and i left.

This new girl was all so mean to me from the very first day she came to the room. She still is.