First blog post

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So far…

I have been trying to write something for a while now but i dont exactly know what to write about. I think everyday is a struggle to be more productive and attentive in classroom. Although i am not so serious as i was last year. To begin with, if anyone wants to hear i had a big argument with my roommate. And i became as loud as i could be, not my problem actually. She thought she could shout and i will be a meek cat but i proved her wrong.  I had to take my side obviously and since then i am quite in peace because now we dont talk and she has no reason to interfere in my life with her never ending phone calls to mother. I am spared of listening to that lamest ever conversation. 

About the love i have been talking about, all i can say is few years back i was madly in love. I mean like movies. And i had no idea how soon it will change and i will be a different person altogether. When i fell in love i became the most kind form of myself which now seems pointless in a way. No i didnt fell out of love but over the time things changed. My someone changed. He does love me but not like it used to be. We got into silly arguments. I felt bad about many things and it happened so often that our relation changed. He has lately noticed those changes which i figured out too early, too bad for my heart. So actuallly learning that my love was being taken for granted, many things accumulated inside me. Everytime he ignored me, it added up to something inside me and i got bitter. Now it seems like i am the meanest form of myself. I find myself saying “i have nothing to lose” and its true. I know its true.  I didnt know love could do that to me. I used to think ours was one of the most beautiful love stories one would come across. It hurt me to see how something so special turned  into something so ordinary day by day. It still hurts me but i can feel as if my heart has given up on love now…

Back In Love’s Time

Pakistan 2010
I was 18 when I got admission into a medical college. Its a very prestigious moment for every student and his parents particularly from where i belong. We dont have big needs or dreams. Just mango people who want to live life in dignity and peace. My parents shared a rural background. My father got married when he was of my age and my parents shifted to a nearby town, an hour away from our ancestral home in village.

My father was a modest educated man. He was tall and had pale skin. He looked too humble and passive. My mother was illiterate but a wise and thoughtful lady. She had fine features, slender physique and long jet black hair which i remember playing with when i was small. She doted on me. I had an elder brother and two younger sisters.

My brother was doing BA in Urdu by the time i got my admission. Everyone in my family was happy. Its seemed a perfect day. So many relatives coming over to congratulate. I felt like life had given me an opportunity to do something good. However the only concern was that my college was at a seven hour drive and initially i was too excited but later i got weary of this distance. My mother would freeze some homemade delicacies like kebabs, biryani or karela chicken and pack it for me. I would enjoy it with my friends at hostel. Yes i made friends as soon as I got into college and i never would mind sharing my things with anyone. I had place for everyone. My arms were forever open. I would thank God for making me so patient and humble like my father.
The first two years of my college seemed tough because of the subjects and the effort they demanded. Anatomy. Physiology. Biochemistry. But it passed like a dream. I was not the topper of my class neither was I ignorant. I would say i was doing well not only academically but socially too. I was never part of any trouble ever being called for. It was when i saw her and trouble was all invited.

***

Helplessly in love

She sat at a table in the corner of the canteen with a friend I didnt know. I looked at her from the corner of my eyes, sometimes an occasional glance. Whatever i would do it never seemed enough for my eyes. Her hair was woven in a plait over her right shoulder. A few loose ones fell on her face every now and then because of the fan. Her clothes were a mix of pink and white. I remember her like this.

She smiled at her friend very often and how much i wanted to be the reason of that smile or how much i envied the privilege of her friend. She was having french fries and coke. I never liked having fries for food. I could eat them with a pizza or something but not like that. I was born in a family wher meals had to be proper. Steamed rice or wheat bread with vegetables or non veg and a portion of curd and salad. Fries would never satiate me. I was born in a small town. My parents shared a rural background. To them food could never be french fries. But i liked to see her do anything. So i even liked her french fries and coke. I secretly tried having that as well.

She left in a while. Half her fries untouched and half her coke in bubbles. It made me realise i would never do that. Waste money like that. Back home if one of my siblings would leave food like that, others would eat.  We were not poor. Just an ordinary middle class family who cannot throw money at streets like that. My little sister’s face, who was barely nine came running to my mind. She would relish every bit of what i would give her off my meals. We were too simple. I was too simple for her. I always tried to keep her away from myself but I couldn’t help myself with the brooding affection within. That was the first year of my college

I didnt ask her to love me. I didnt day dream of miracles but the way her fine fingers fidgeted with fries, i wanted to hold them for once. I didnt want anything else. Infact i still dont know what i wanted from life at that time. I couldn’t ask for her because she was beyond  my reach and I couldn’t let go of her thought because i was helplessly in love…

Looking back at you

I sat in the light of a lamp and kept staring at my own shadow on the wall. I don’t understand how certain things crawl out from ashes. I saw him commencing from the corner of my eye. My heart made an unaccustomed thud of pain, disappointment and dissent. His presence was always conveyed through a similar means though contradictory. He sat opposite me in leisure. My gaze didn’t shift anywhere but the wall, until he spoke

“So how come Paris?”

These words hit my heart like stones and rocks. Like a dagger being stabbed again, in the same place, cutting through the flesh of my heart but i managed to be composed.

“It just happened”

There was a pause. He expected me to say more. He thought it was an incomplete statement, he didn’t know this was how i explained things now. I didn’t have any strength to open my heart to anyone. Besides my heart devoured in its ignominious silence. 

He continued

“How has everything been? Tell me about it?”

I looked into his eyes and returned  back to the shadowed wall. After all this time he thinks i can still talk? I wished to ask what he wanted to know or how i managed to survive or whether i had planned this???

I fell vulnerable to his inquisitive gaze. I knew this feeling, it had been there before betwix us but that was love, this was heartache. So i thought about my professional garb and made out

“Medicine has a vast field, its consuming”

The lady with no peace

This is about my new roommate and her stupid ways of inflicting misery to her own self.

It started with lizards. Well this is one of the hotest areas in South Asia. Actually its a desert. So naturally the climate here favours the survival of these reptiles. Well we have them like cats and dogs. Speaking of which, we have many cats too. By we i mean the medical hostel.

However the population of lizards outnumbers the cats if not the humans. Once i counted. Thirteen lizards around the corridor light rod. And there hav been incidents where lizards fell over students here; even on th face. Gross right? So while we came back after vacations this summer, it had been breeding season for lizards here. So many little ones. Creepy little things running all over the place; floor, celings,  and walls. everywhere. Just everywhere. And our lady here seemed to be pretty scared of this specie.

Oneday she saw a little lizard crawling towards her bed. She did her hush hush thing and it got under her bed. And then the hopeless lady kept waking up at 4 every morning, switching on all lights and babbling that a lizard is on the back of her bed crown. This continued for 2 days. She just venomed my peace. I couldnt really get a nice sleep. How mean some people can be. For the next 2 days she kept switching on the lights suddenly during the night and that scared me sometimes. I mean you would be sleeping and “dong” lights are on. Sometimes i wanted to slap her. This thing still goes on.

Today I guess while we were at the college, lights must have been out. So water was leaking out of the fridge. Although lights did resume later but she was determined something had happened to tye fridge. So “miss knowall” called a few people again. Made a fuss of nothing again. 

I am so done with this creature and sometimes i want to bang her head against the wall. And i always keep wishing her to die. I curse her most of the day.

We saw the moon disappear

So it was what is called partial lunar eclipse. It happens when earth comes in between sun and moon, all in a straight line. The full moon with the onset of eclipse begins to bear a shadow. That shadow is earth. And the shadow covers almost quater of the full and then slowly its back to normal. Full moon.

I have read this when i was in grade 5, then again in grade 6, then again in grade 8. But i never bothered to see this phenomenon taking place. Last night my someone who is miles apart from me mentioned about this eclipse and we decided to watch it together. We were on the call, i was pacing around the big ground of my hostel. He stood by his window. And we saw this happen. Together. It made me so happy. And i know he felt the same.

7 August 2017. Lunar eclipse. I will always remember this day. I saw something possessing moon and moon fought back and the darkness had to go. And i saw this with the person who means everything to me. It felt like the distance stretching between us sometimes means nothing because he is there. He truly is. And he makes me feel the luckiest girl on earth. 

Homesick

When i was little i had very less affection for home and my family. I was more into school and friends. I was social, confident, people liked me. My teachers were so proud of me. I never thought school would end and i will have a college. I thought my soul was imbibed in its red bricks. My school was my identity. I didnt like spending time at home. I always fancied the idea of hostels and moving out to study. Having a new surrounding. I was too naive to know it was more fatal than fairytale.

Being in another country tears you all the time into pieces which you cant gather. Every time i come back to hostel, its a heart wrenching journey i make. I miss my home. I miss the warmth of my mother. I miss her kisses, her hugs, her random surprises. I miss the way she would ask me all the time what i wanted to eat because here neither do i have many options and nor do i find the available ones appetising. Its bad! They made me take someone as a roommate whom i dont like at all. And the friends i got here? They never stood up for me. Infact all these three years they had no gesture of care for me. I lately realised all the friends, the real ones, are back home. And i miss them too. I miss how true and loyal they were to me. Always cheering in silent tones “we are here for you”

Sometimes i am left wondering why i ever wanted to leave home for home is the only place that heals. Maybe becoming a doctor is very prestigious but this journey has been hell for me. All the honour that will ever come has already given me scars that wont heal. I cant trust people now. I mean it. When someone is nice to me i start thinking what is it that they want from me?

I dont know how many can relate to me and how many find it irrational but i am suffering here all the time!

She

one evening i was sitting in the bed. the evenings had caught some chill. my daughter too got into the bed and sat on my legs. she put her cold hands on my cheeks. it felt like soft, small ice cubes against my cheeks. i shivered and she gave a squeal of victory. she was four but had her ways to drive merry around. i held her hands in mine to warm them. i was blowing warm air into her little fragile fingers when she spoke:
“tell me a story”

“i dont know stories sweetheart. mum knows all” 

that was always a perfect excuse to get away.

“you always say that. did no one tell you stories when you were small?”

“i am too big to remember my small. maybe they did. i forgot them”

 

she knew i was not telling her stories. so she pulled her hands from mine and put them on my cheeks again. this time they were warm. i smiled at her. she laughed. then she began pulling my cheeks and upon my resentment, she only moved them in small circles over my cheeks. 
“daddy, what is the colour of your eyes?” 

” emerald green” i heard myself say that instantaneously. 

“who told you?”
i paused. 
“emerald green” there was a long pause on the other side of the line. i knew this made her nervous and equally speechless. like being swamped by reticent emotions. she couldn’t say anymore. it was only a silent explanation. 
“when did you notice?” 
“i didn’t stare at you. sometimes when i would look at you, i would find your eyes already over there” 
i knew she couldn’t just look at me. i didn’t know why. she would say it makes her nervous. however i never had noticed my eyes so much to figure out the colour. it never occurred to me. i only came to know the colour when she mentioned it. 
“no i think maybe you have been staring at me” i was only trying to make her anxious. i loved doing that to her.
“i wish i did. but i cannot”

“why not?”

“i cannot look into your eyes”

“and that is because?”

“because i fear maybe i wont be able to look away then. it feels like something grabs hold of my heart. i don’t feel my own self”  
she again paused. and i smiled. 

                      ***

my daughter was waiting for my answer.

“ofcourse my dad did” i felt the coldness of my own lie touching my lips. 

her mother came in and thank God she did for i was not present to answer any of her more questions. she asked her why she didn’t have the colour of my eyes. because she had taken after her mother who had black eyes. i pretended to sleep and somewhere past midnight i really did fell asleep.

                        *end*

Dear diary

This is becoming more of a diary for me, wordpress is all the white i need for my black. 

Just an hour ago i had an emotional ourburst and i cried for  a while in conversation with my beloved someone on call. He is an amazing person and we have a story that makes everyone dreamy but its not the day for that tale.

A week of two ago he told me i was getting irritable and it seemed like i have changed. Like i have mentioned earlier i study in a different country and we get to meet every six months when i get my vacations. But we are always good. No arguments. No issues. Just happy with each other. But when i heard him say this i wondered if i really had changed at all?

Medical school sure is a hell no one tells you about until you get there to experience it on your own. You lose many friends, hobbies, family gatherings, weddings, fun ventures, and yes movies too. But i always keep a balance between my school and the person most important to me. So when we hung up i kept thinking what is it? I thought maybe its the temperatures here that boils my blood all the time. Or maybe my examination loop. Or maybe the bad food they provide you. I was not sure.

Today he told me he has to attend a wedding tomorrow and then its his cousin’s wedding next week. He said he was afraid that i would be in a bad mood because he wont be able to talk to me all this time. While he was saying all this i paused near a mango tree and felt like maybe i nag him all the time. I felt bad about it and bad for him.  Butthe very next moment i realised whole day i pile up things, bittle them one by one only to narrate it to him later in tye evening. In true sense he is the only person i talk to and share my feelings without tampering them. And when i cant talk to him i feel i dont have anyone. Like he is responsible for my state because i look upto him only.  Whole day i have so much trouble around starting with my roommate and hes the only person i can go to. And if i do sound irritable its only because i have so much mess around and i feel so insufficient to deal with it all on my own. 

When i said i all to him i broke into tears and he felt sorry for me. He was sorry for even attending the wedding and not being able to talk. And it bothered him what he had said earlier. Hes a good person. And i think why i am surviving this hell is only because he is there for me all the time.